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Community Corner

Moms Talk: Worries of a Maybe Helicopter Parent

Moms Council Keri Goodfriend asks how do you know when to act on behalf of you child?

As a parent, I do a lot of things I, b.k. (before kids), never thought I would: using my shirt to wipe a child's snotty nose when nothing else is available, converting my once stylish purse into a carryall filled with goldfish crumbs, old juice boxes and an extra pair of Elmo underwear, and walking to the bus stop disheveled and in PJs while ensuring my child has homework, lunch bag, eaten breakfast, and looking like a Children's Place ad.

It was easy for me, b.k., to judge parents who complained about their child's teacher, bragged about their kid's smallest accomplishments, or worried about how rigorous the school curriculum was and whether it appropriately challenged their gifted darling. And then it happened. My daughter went to school, and I stood outside the school doors wondering how I could help her succeed now that she was in someone else's hands. Can you hear the engine starting? Another helicopter parent is being born.

The Wikipedia definition of a helicopter parent is "a parent who pays extremely close attention to his or her child's or children's experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions." These parents may inquire about why their child isn't in a higher reading group, why their child wasn't selected to be featured in the art show, or why someone else's child was selected for first chair flute in orchestra. While working in one university's Residence Life, I encountered numerous parents going to bat for their child over dorm assignments, roommate quarrels, or even alcohol violations.

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The tendency for parents to hover grew to an extreme in the early 2000s, where parents began intercepting problems for their children well beyond middle and high school, on into college, and even in the professional world. According to the Time article, "The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting", it wasn't unheard of for a company to provide "'parent packs' for recruits to give Mom and Dad, since they were involved in negotiating salary and benefits."

Because of my exposure to helicopter parents in my previous profession, I find myself squashing my inner hovering instincts. In particular, I find it difficult to know how involved a parent can be with his or her child's school, yet not be overbearing. I want to have a working relationship with my child's teacher, but not be seen as a backseat driver. The idea of writing a letter to the school principal in efforts to steer my child's teacher assignment for the upcoming year feels wrong to me. Would I do it if I wanted to avoid a certain teacher with a bad reputation? What if I knew other parents were writing the same kind of letter? If I stuck to my convictions, would I be putting my child at a disadvantage because she would be more likely to be assigned to the unfavorable classroom?

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My child is five. Everything in me says I'm supposed to be her protector and advocate, but will I be able to stop when she's old enough to speak on her own behalf? It's a small act on my child's behalf, but it could determine the kind of parent I may be for the next 12+ years of my daughter's academic career. Prepare for takeoff.

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